introduction
Same life, different coat of paint. That's how I'd describe my existence thus far.
For much of my adult life I would say I've felt "stuck". It's like my soul was ripped out of my body long ago and now only the remnants remain, walking in a haze until some day both parties reunite for one final time.
Still, I consistently muster up some reason to keep believing things will change. That they can even change. Call it "lying to oneself", if that's what you're inclined to believe. I wake up every day hoping something will break the cycle.
Most of my adult life I've spent in one relationship or another, usually ending in my various mistakes and broken promises reaching a boiling point and exploding into a steaming rain of emotion and self-pity.
In most other aspects of my life that wasn't a draining romantic endeavor, I indulged in various, cowardly ways of trying to end my own life. Usually by hanging (usually never working and always leaving me embarrassed for myself). The one attempt that ever really "worked" was in a nice hotel bathroom with a shoestring. My partner at the time barged in right as everything went dark.
Failed relationships and simple-minded suicide attempts are what mostly cover who I am and what my life is. A pathetic spiral of sameness that will more than likely end when I finally get it right. Whether I actually want to get it right is a question I'm not sure I can ever answer for myself, let alone any person.
I don't think I've ever felt like a person. More like an idea of a person mangled together to form something you could deem cohesive enough to call "person".